ErisMing

In the winter I started paying visit to someone in the BDSM community. Apart from a satisfaction of my long term erotic fantasy, she also provides me with life coaching. Every time I look at the combination of the two things I laugh hysterically at myself. Because it’s never merely enough to just have an erotic adventure in a coming-of-age sort-of sexual awakening. I must try hard at the same time like all the time.

The erotic part for me was more like a demystification. Like when a person breaks into a locked forbidden zone personally, and that’s how they are able to say ‘hey that is just it’. Being into BDSM had been like a sexuality for me, in another blogger I’ve read’s words, in place of intercourse for ‘average’ people. Intercourse as sex doesn’t arouse me. I also don’t experience much romantic feelings towards people in my life. (I think it’s called aromantic or something.) But plays of BDSM can arouse me and give me pleasure. Therefore, I feel like I’m able to explore my sexuality, underneath all the mainstream orthodox talks of what it is.

I may be aromantic. But I’ve never felt I’ve been able to live in a world without sex; because I can’t be free from other people’s desiring and all their constructed talks of what it is. Then for me it’s like the pleasure I can gain from my erotic adventure is almost a small part of the gains I intended.

Then apart from this, I care about the life coaching part way more. I can tell they are legit at that, and I felt comfortable with the person. The life coaching is costly, but it is really beneficial training for me — which actually has nothing to do with the erotic part. I wanted to know how to be self-disciplined. And we mostly talked about 0. how I have adhd which is undiagnosed (which I was somewhat aware of but ignored) and that is causing a series of life pattern — basically an unfit. 1. organizational skills and proper resting habits 2. eating and fitness habits. I’ve been honing on these skills for two and a half weeks or so.

*I had a bit of concern initially with privacy and security for doing this, because I didn’t know the person well enough, and that is my only concern. But I think my concerned is gradually eased with my observations, and I feel comfortable and safe doing this. (It also makes me comfortable that the suggestion is totally behavioral and about how to get myself to do what me wants me to do. Zero mystification, gaslighting, manipulation, or anything.)

*Then I also know that the spending which is a stretch is supported by my family, who is not going to check the specifics to know about this. But me deciding on spending for the life coaching is as that I’ve always felt so overwhelmed. I believe that such an investment is worth it.

So over the past two weeks I worked a lot on my life organization/discipline, and my work with senior thesis has started, which is great. I felt a lot more able to concentrate because of getting organized. And although my living habits fluctuate, I feel like I am, as my advisor says, getting to know my own baby better and better. (She told me that I ought to treat me as my own baby, which I’m totally agreeing with.) I think of discipline and organizing techniques finally as a matter of returning to nature. It’s like when the baby is hungry, the baby is crying — you don’t tell them to stop or not want milk. But you also kind of decides what course to take that is best for the baby’s growth, instead of leaving it to the baby. (But I think the baby knows their interest, first. They cry, they scream at discomfort, they vomit things they can’t digest, etc… The mother is just wiser in worldly experience, to, say, know what brands and ingredients to use and how to shake them up in a bottle, which is not derogatory at all but a bit of subversion to hierarchy. And the mother loves the baby, and the other way around is also true. This is now the metaphoric template for my relationship with myself. )

When I talked to the life coach about my progresses, they told me the importance to give credit to myself. Then I realized I sort of was always expecting others to give that to me. I will start validating myself.

And I just also realized more recently how…I’m the closest, most intimate, to myself, than anybody ever could be. Tonight when in the bathroom I looked at the mirror and thought: My dearest. It is really akin to a mother and her baby.

I studied humanities in a second language with undiagnosed ADHD, alongside with a load of emotional struggle because of my previous life experience, and I did splendidly. And I thanked myself for saving myself from…’fire and water’. I survived. Although I am a privileged middle class kid statistically, I know clearly in my heart that I am a survivor. That’s how I always have lived.

I want to do scholarship for a career but I don’t know that well yet concretely what I’m interested in. It sometimes frustrated me that I discovered in my senior year how I don’t really want to go into grad school in the same major as my undergrad, so I don’t really know my future path clearly anymore, as I would rather. But a lot of other things tacitly happened. One splendid thing which happened was that as a disempowered East-Asian girl, I learned to depend on my intellect. Not men who’s however more years older than me or voices that speak in whatever kind of authority. Solely depend on me. I mean of course I know how to listen; I’m an East Asian girl and my head could break from fake nodding everyday. Another thing is that although I didn’t start a lot of large projects in my college years, being really occupied with my broken self and the meaning of my life, one thing I could say I created was that I really self made. There is a really powerful, staunch ‘I’ standing beneath my skin now; and she can be relied upon for anything, especially for me. I feel a self-dependence.

When I talked to my advisor last week, a thing I said really bugged me, when I said I think I didn’t work hard, as I didn’t really read any readings since my junior year despite getting all As. I felt saddened to hear myself say that I didn’t work hard. But now I realized this was not true. I’ve always worked hard — like hanging by one’s hair on the precipice; just focused on different things in different directions at different times. For there isn’t a track for life to run on or anything. Of course not all of me is occupied with my academics. For where else would words come from except from life? So there was a time in college, where, struggling with life and with focusing issues, reading wasn’t my focus; that’s all.

But a thing is that I don’t actually stop. I’m incapable of stopping. I’m insanely bright —although that might be too humble but it’s just what I think— and I will always be learning and trying and improving. I think that the longer I’m away from childhood and upbringing given but was not chosen the better-off and easier off I will be, for my efforts would show. Me is driven by something completely internal to me and restless.

I think that’s why I landed on returning to nature in my self-discipline attempts. That’s kind of what’s happening at the meta level: let nature run its course. I am like a mother shaking up milk — like how I can make ramen in three minutes — but it’s not anything beyond that I’m maneuvering or instigating. Just let the universe make it happen. That’s how I feel about a lot of things. I don’t need to force myself on anything, except from gently nudging and guiding, because it gives me so much pleasure just to grow and live.

But I really need these organization skills. And there is a reason Me is really strict with Me. Maybe it’s as that nature doesn’t have a direction to progress in on its own, and you need to choose what befalls in which holes… It’s like showing up for a theater play. But apart from that, just let happen.

Apart from my new gained organization level, I also realized what it is to take care of myself, to have fun just for the sake of it. I also changed my wardrobe a bit — since I feel like I’m no longer a child. And I took care of my dorm, although I know I’m only living in it for one last semester. I think these are important parts of dwelling well with myself, and I want what I have now to be kept for a life time, for I think these designs are the most ideal.

And I realized staying up late doesn’t feel good. So I’m going back to 11/12. I still have things to improve on my resting habits and with social media.

And I have these new bodily sensations. I think I will be working out outdoors from now on. It’s because I want to, like trees expanding its branches and growing its roots.

I am also training myself to be intimating. Apart from graceful: meaning having great presence or energy.

I also took the Alexander Method and I feel more relaxed in my body. And with my organizational skills, my emotions also got a lot better. [YAY!]

On treating myself as my own baby, who I know the best than anybody: I wonder about developing my own system of gaming. What attracts me in video games is not so much the content but the mechanism. I think my mind in life wants to search for new things. So I just want to utilize that and life-coach myself according to it.

And I shopped myself online necessary things to make myself comfortable in my dwelling. I purchased a gorgeous necklace, which symbolizes a sword; I have the true feeling that there is nothing else that I need to be satisfied. All my desires feel satisfied. (Apart from this, I also purchased myself a wedding ring, because I need to make a point that I married myself, to my love, and no human beings can screw with me with their talks and apotheosis of little romance.)

‘I, I, I’

My professor meeting with me for my thesis recommended me an article, while saying that he doesn’t want to be the one to lead me down to nihilism.

I was like, no I’m not scare of anything.

Thinking back…Yeah, I am a nihilist, and you can’t scare me. And I have sleeps to take, milk to shake, and letters to write.